Don't Call Me Lorelei
By crazyliftyfangirl

Chapter 6: Un-Reality TV

WARNING: Contains some bad language and mild violence.

DISCLAIMER: Kirby: Right Back At Ya! belongs to 4Kids, Nintendo, and HAL. The book mentioned here, Carrie, belongs to Stephan King. I only one the plot and my character, Lori.

--

It was just a regular day at work. It was two days after the Whispy Woods incident and I was ready for a normal day.

A normal, boring day...

"Wait a minute," I said to Kawasaki, who was next to me, cooking (I was on dish duty), "What's going on outside?"

"Huh?" My boss stopped stirring his foul stew and peered out the window with me. A group of Waddle-Dees, and their captain, Waddle-Doo, were all carrying boxes. The boxes had the DDD-symbol on them and the word 'TV'. "DDD TV?" I wondered.

Kawasaki nodded. "Maybe we can get one for the restaurant. One will be delivered to your house you know!"

My steel-blue eyes widdened in surprise. "Really?"

"Yeah! You can go home early if you want to check it out. Your shift's almost over anyway."

I gratefully took off my apron and hung it up on the rack. "Thanks, Kawasaki." Before he could say anymore, I quickly grabbed the clipboard, signed myself out, and exited the room.

--

I studied the TV. I already had one. Personally, this television looked crappier than the one I already have. It was burgandy in colour, square-shaped, and had a mint-green antennae poking out of it. There was a circular on/off button, a knob to change channels, and speakers. It sat on a brown stand and was plugged in by a thin, mint-green wire.

"I already have a television," I told Waddle-Doo in a matter-of-fact tone.

"Yeah, but this one is special."

"Special, eh? It doesn't look so special to me."

"Oh, you wait and see." Waddle-Doo turned, opened the front door, and left. I rolled my eyes. But at least I didn't have to pay for it. Curious, I turned the knob. The tv flickered on, but broadcast hadn't started yet. Kirby, on the other hand, looked very excited. Hm. Children are so easy to please.

Suddenly, there was a countdown on the TV screen. 10... 9... 8... 7... 6...

"...five... four... three... two... one." I found myself murmuring. There was very brief static, then a picture of a night starry sky. The word 'Channel' appeared in bold yellow letters, as the silohoutte of Dedede's castle. I heard Escargoon's voice. "This is the world premiere of Dreamland television! Channel D-D-D!" Everytime he said, 'D', a big, golden 'D' appeared. The screen faded into a picture of Dedede's grinning, winking face on some purple curtains. I refrained from making gagging noises in front of Kirby.

The curtains opened to Dedede standing in the shadows on what appeared to be stairs. The camera zoomed in on him, and before I knew it, the lights went on and Dedede threw a dramatic pose. "Hhheeeyyy!" he greeted the viewers. He was wearing all kinds of funny-looking charms. One of them (it was lavender in colour) was even shaped like Escargoon's head! I chuckled in spite of myself. The camera zoomed into his face. "Hey, Dreamland! King Dedede here, and welcome to Channel DDD!" He winked again. I rolled my eyes. This was crap, just like I thought it would be. Kirby jumped up and down happily. I didn't want to upset Kirby, so I kept watching.

"Just last night, the miracle of television arrived in Cappytown to brighten up your bleak and borin' lives!" Dedede said as he walked down the stairs and eventually focused on the viewers. In a very, very odd way, it was kind of... entertaining. At once I scolded myself. This isn't enterainment! This is GARBAGE!

Onscreen, Dedede raised his arms. "So get ready." He was suddenly right up in the screen, pointing directly at the viewers. "There's action and adventure you gotta see!" He then stepped back, cross his arms, and went on, "Your channel for news is spelled D-D-D! For gut-busting laughs, I'm sure you'll agree! The price is right, because it's free!" He laughed and waved as fake-cheering could be heard in background.

I heard Escargoon's voice again. "More King Dedede later, but right now a preview of our side-splitting Cappytown comedy showcase!" Escargoon appeared on screen in front of a bright orange background. "And now Channel DDD proudly presents the little pink pest and everyone's favourite tyrant-" The camera cut to Dedede's hand holding a hideous Kirby puppet. I felt my jaw drop. "-The crazy comedy duo of Kirby and the king!" The camera zoomed out to Dedede standing up, looking proud, holding the puppet.

There was a clapping sound effect. Dedede spoke to the puppet. "Gee, Kirby, maybe you could help me. Folks have been askin' who's the dopiest little blob in Cappytown." The puppet made a bizarre noise and quivered. Dedede continued, "And who's the ugliest?" The puppet made a noise and moved again. Laughing could be heard in the background. I felt my face go pink, then red, then purple with humilation and rage. I couldn't take it anymore. While I was fuming, the puppet said, "Kirby!" Dedede dropped it to the ground and started jumping up and down in it. While the laughing went on, the puppet kept saying 'Kirby' everytime Dedede landed on it.

Great. Now Kirby looked like a retard on NATIONAL TELEVISION. I was so angry, red dots started appearing here and there. I knew I'd lose it if I didn't act fast. Stumbling, I hurried over to the liquor cabinet and took out a bottle of rum. With a swift swing of my arm, I brought it to my mouth and drained it of the final three inches that had remained in the bottle. I leaned there for a minute, panting. Then, I slowly closed my eyes and made my way back over the television.

Onscreen, Escargoon was sitting a little white desk, looking cheery. He was talking about new shows. "...at seven it's The Very Heavyweight Adventures Of 3-D Man!" Next to him, a picture of Dedede with huge muscles and a superhero-costume appeared. Escargoon moved to the next program. "And at seven-thirty watche contestants compete for cash 'n prizes on Wheel Of Headwounds!" The picture was of Dedede were a cheesy tuxedo, banging Escargoon over the head with a folded up piece of paper. "And at eight, the staff of DR confronts an outbreak of hernias. Bad ones." The picture was of Dedede, wearing a labcoat, and Escargoon looking solemn with a nurse's hat. I couldn't help but the burst out laughing at his serious expression. "Bad hernias?" I giggled quietly, "I might actually watch that."

Escargoon's happy voice bounced back. "Next the far east meets the old west where the King of the Kitchen cooks beefjerkeyaki!" The picture was of Dedede's wearing white clothes and a chef's hat, proudly stirring a gross-looking meal. "Then at nine-thirty the Snail-Hunters search for my long-lost brother!" He held up a little sign with a question-mark on it. The picture was Dedede with a magnifying glass, examining a scared-looking little snail on a leaf. "SNAIL-hunters?" I wondered aloud. Being a snail, I was a little alarmed.

Escargoon pointed a finger up in the air, and declared, "At ten the SSDDeprise deals with very intense motion-sickness on DDDeepSpace9!" The picture was a picture of Dedede and Escargoon in space. Dedede wore a funny green outfit while Escargoon looked on proudly while a silver spaceship floated by.

"Tonight's late night movie is Globs of Destroyce Nob and the late-late movie is King Klong Versus Huston Astros! Now's its commercial time! Stay tuned..." He looked weary. "We'll be back after this." With that, he sighed and flopped over the desk. I was still mad about Dedede making Kirby look stupid, but with Escargoon's commentary, it suddenly seemed half-decent.

...

I DIDN'T JUST THINK THAT!

The commercials, on the other hand, were very disturbing. The first one was of Dedede taking a bath (EW!), saying, "Why would you bathe with dope soap when you could bathe like a king?" It was an ad for DDD Body Wash.

I was too nervous to stay in the room after that, so I went into my room and picked up a copy of the book I was reading, Carrie. Ugh. Watching that tv was turning me into a giggly, oozing idiot. But I still had the urge to go back and start watching it again. I hoped if I got really focused in my book, the feeling would go away.

It was hard to read, with the faint sound of cheering and Dedede's laughter floating into my room. I gritted my teeth and glued my eyes to the page. I would not, at any cost, give in.

--

I locked the bedroom door. I felt horrible. My pride was at stake. I wasn't like the Cappies and I wasn't gonna try to be. I quickly grabbed my MP3 off my desk, turned up the volume, and firmly planted myself on my bed. No way I was going to give in.

Must... resist...

Twenty seconds later I found myself sitting in front of the TV like a couch potato. My self esteem had plummetted down the toilet. I sighed. I, Lorelei Snail, was a complete wimp.

On the television, a big angry monster stomped here and there. "Kirbyyyy... Kirbyyyy..." it roared. I snapped out of it, back to my old self again. "It's heading straight for Cappytown!" I heard Dedede exclaim.

Oohh shit, I thought. "LET'S GET OUTTA HERE!" I screamed. I grabbed Kirby and bolted out the front door, forgetting to turn the tv off. I ran, Kirby under my arm, for quite a while, until I fell to the ground, trying to catch my breath.

I stood up and scanned the environment. No monster. Was it a scam? It must have been. Some prank, I thought hatefully, Dedede will NEVER change. Disgusted with myself, I turned around to head home. Kirby followed me.

Suddenly, I saw three blob-like shadows coming towards me. White, blank eyes glowed ominiously. Each blob carried a weapon. Cappies. "Kirby must go away. Kirby must go away," they chanted in monotone. Yelping, I picked up Kirby and took off again.

We ran through the hills, but skidded to a stop once we saw what we were up against. A whole group of Cappies I knew, even Kawasaki had the same blank eyes and all held weapons. "Kirby must go away. Kirby must go away."

I sort of stood there, wide-eyed and shocked. The zombie-Cappies began to run towards us. With a yell, I scrambled in the direction I came. Kirby bounced in my arms. I looked back. They were still following us, continuing their chant.

Finally, I spotted Tiff. "Hide us!" I told her. She nodded. Kirby and I hid behind a tree. After a few moments, I heard footsteps, and Tiff asking innocently, "Hey, what's going on? What are you doing out here?"

"Do-you-know-where-Kirby-and-Lori-are?" Book'em asked.

"I've looking for them, but they must be gone," Tiff answered simply.

"Kirby-and-Lori-are-hiding. If-you-know-where-Kirby-and-Lori-are-you-should-tell-us-now. Kirby-must-go-away. Then-the-monster-will-leave-us."

"A monster. Wow! I looked all over Cappytown and I didn't see a monster." Tiff pretended to look around in mock surprise.

"It-wrecked-the-mayor's-house-on-TV," Kawasaki said.

Tiff shrugged. "I haven't been watching, 'cause I think tv's stupid." You and me both, I thought.

"Let's-try-that-way," Book'em grunted. Their footsteps faded away, along with their moans and shouts.

"Let's go!" Tiff ordered. Kirby and I got out from behind the tree. The three of us escaped into the night. Ten minutes later, we arrived at Kirby's shop. All the lights were on. I pulled out a key from under the matt and unlocked the door. Tokkori sat in front of the television, cheering for Dedede.

"How'd you get in here?!" I cried.

"We need a place to hide Kirby," Tiff told him.

"Kirby? Eh, junior, get lost, that monster's looking-" He was promptly cut off when I punted him out of the way. Onscreen, Dedede and Escargoon drove their jeep. A cannon was attached to it. "Hey monster, come get me!" Dedede taunted.

The monster breathed fire. The jeep drove out of harm's way. They fired a missile at it. Dedede laughed. The monster blew more fire at him and missed. The jeep turned around and drove away. Dedede pulled out a microphone and spoke to the audience. "Guess I have to fight the monster in Cappytown. If it wasn't for Kirby we'd all be safe."

Tokkori started say something before I swatted him away again. "That monster looks fishier than an aquariam," Tiff said, looking puzzled. Onscreen, the monster loomed ovet the shop, causing me to panic. "LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!"

Tiff grabbed me by the shoulders. "No, let's go see." She pulled me out the door. No monster. "Hey, it's gone!" I realized.

"It's was never here. The whole monster thing was a setup," Tiff explained as Kirby and Tokkori arrived.

"It can't be. We just saw it on the tv," Tokkori said. I rolled my eyes. "It's fake, no duh."

"She's right," a familiar voice stated. It was Meta-Knight. "You can't believe everything you see on the television set."

"What is it, Meta-Knight?" Tiff asked.

"I have searched all of Cappytown. There is no monster."

Kirby looked confused and huddled next to me. "Come with me to the castle," Meta-Knight continued.

Kirby blinked and looked at me. "Poooyyooo?" he asked curiously.

--

It had been surprisingly easy to sneak into the castle. The guards were naive and Tiff knew her way around. She motioned Kirby and I to follow her upstairs into her family's suite. Sir Ebrum, Lady Like, Fololo, and Falala were all watching TV. They all looked at the three of us as we ran in, panting.

"Tiff!" Sir Ebrum gasped.

"Kirby and Lori!" Lady Like exclaimed.

Tuff ran up to us. "KIRBY MUST GO AWAY!" he shouted. I glared down at him. "Buzz off!"

"But the monster's comin'! If you don't believe me, look, it's on TV!" Tuff insisted.

Tiff put her hands on her hips. "Just because you see something on TV doesn't make it true! And we'll prove it!"

Tuff was quiet for a moment. "You will?"

Meta Knight abruptly opened the door. Everyone flinched. "How do you do that?" I wondered out loud.

Meta Knight ignored my comment. "Something is going on in the dungeon, where the king has his TV studio. He is hiding something.

"Is there a way to get in?" Tiff asked.

"I will create a diversion to distract the guards," Meta Knight explained, "you four will investigate."

Tiff, Tuff, Kirby, and I all nodded.

--

We made our way down the dungeon stairs. We were surprised to see a door was a beeping neon red sign on it. I squinted. It read 'ON AIR'. I followed Tiff (Kirby and Tuff were behind me). She opened the door and we all peered inside. We were in for a shock!

The monster was RIGHT THERE. I mean it. It was RIGHT IN FRONT OF US. BEING FILMED WITH A WHOLE SET BEHIND IT. And it didn't sound nearly as menacing as it did on the television.

Dedede, who was directing the whole thing, waved a strange yellow object, and called, "And cut! Commercial. Okay, and I want more smoke in this next scene. And Escargoon, act a little more monster-like!"

Escargoon pulled off the phony monster costume. "I am so not ready for my close-up," he sighed. He went over to Dedede, who had hopped in the jeep, which was set up next to a white screen. Dedede said, "Okay, next scene. Now let's get this show on the road!"

A Waddle-Dee put on the projecter, making it seem like Dedede and Escargoon were in Cappytown. "Cue the monster!" Dedede ordered. Another Waddle-Dee operated an small, electronic version of the jeep, making it seem like Escargoon and Dedede were driving towards the monster. Dedede said a whole bunch of stuff so fast I could barely keep up, and then a Waddle-Dee pressed a button. Fake fireballs came out of the cannon and hit the "monster".

"What a phony!" I huffed.

"Yeah, that giant monster attack's a big fat fake!" Tuff agreed angrily.

"So is King Dedede!" Tiff put in, clenching her fists. I heard Kirby move behind me, and gasped. The little puffball was heading into the room where Dedede was filming! He skipped past all the stunned Waddle-Dees--and jumped right up next to the monster, who was the same size as him! It looked like Kirby was on steroids! The fake monster looked horrified. I put a hand on my mouth to stop myself from giggling.

"What's this guy doing here?" Dedede demanded while the camera was focused on him. Kirby jumped up and down playfully. I knew it was time to reveal my prescence. Along with the two kids, I walked right up next to Dedede. "Looks like the jig is up," I said smugly.

"We proved your monster battle is bogus!" Tiff shouted.

"Get off that camera!" Dedede commanded. The camera-Waddle Dee stopped filming.

"Those televisions weren't a gift! They were a trick! A stupid, pathetic trick!" I ranted at Dedede and Escargoon.

Dedede just laughed. "You got that right, girly, but they ain't gonna find that out!" As soon as he finished his sentence, a cage fell down and trapped me and the three kids. Dedede and Escargoon (who was still in the monster costume) celebrated.

"YOU... YOU..." I was fuming. Then... I lost it. "THAT'S IT! THAT'S FUCKING IT! KIRBY, SUCK EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING IN THIS FUCKING ROOM!"

Tiff nodded darkly. She was just as angry as I was. Kirby began inhaling. Within minutes, the whole set was trashed. All the supplies, Dedede, Escargoon, and a few frightened Waddle-Dees were flying towards the cage.

"That's good enough, Kirby," Tiff said, looking relieved. I promptly fell over, both from relief and from my brief mental breakdown. I heard a crash and slowly sat up. The pile of crap lying near the cage had fallen apart, and the cage was been broken open. I had an idea. "Hey, Tuff, can you work a camera?"

Tuff grinned. "Watch me."

--

I wore headphones and held the boom-mike. "Three... two... one!" I called, then motioned for Tuff to start filming. He zoomed the camera in on Dedede's stupid expression. He then began to show the audience the huge mess as Tiff said into her microphone, "This is a special report. This pictures prove that King Dedede faked the monster on TV so we'd all turn against Kirby. Kirby jumped in front of the camera, and Tiff gently pulled him out of the way. "Kirby is the real hero!" She then pulled him back into the camera's view. Kirby's violet eyes were huge.

Escargoon muttered something to himself, and Tiff walked over, holding the microphone towards him. "Escargoon, tell the viewers why you would dress like a monster and help King Dedede."

Escargoon panicked all of a sudden. "Please no, Mama might see me!"

At that, I laughed so loudly that I almost dropped the boom-mike. Dedede stood up, a somewhat pyschotic expression on his face. "This kid's got in wrong, this is-"

BONK. I hit him over the head with my mike. He collapsed, feet sticking up in the air. Tiff smiled coolly. "Thank you, Lori."

Tuff turned the camera towards me. I winked and gave the viewers a thumbs-up. "We're out in three... two... one!"

--

The next morning, I threw Dedede's phony television in the trash. Smiling to myself, I went back inside. Tiff was right. You can't always believe what you see on TV. But maybe, just maybe, Dedede has learned his lesson.

Eh... fat chance.